Do any of you guys have a fear. Like a crippling fear that stops you in your tracks. Well I do. Mine is driving. I hate to drive. I do OK in small towns but other then that I have very real heart stopping fear. I am afraid I am going to die at any second and may take others with me. I don't like the feeling of being in charge of a flying weapon. That is what it feels like.
I remember when Dave and I were in California and Andy (Dave's best friend) took us to a shooting range. We took turns shooting Andy's police gun. When it was my turn I felt nervous and scared. My heart was racing and my hands felt numb. I aimed the gun and shot. I hit the target dead on. Dave and Andy were impressed and wanted me to shot again. I didn't want to but did it anyway. I shot and hit right in the dead center of the target again. They cheered. I set the gun down and burst into tears. How on earth can people hold and use something so deadly. I was truly shaken. I am sure you are wondering why I just told you that story. Well today I had to drive and I felt the exact same way. I remembered that exact feeling. I thought I was going to throw up from feeling that way for such a long time today.
Dave left out of town today. He was suppose to take me on driving lessons before he ever left. We have done a couple but not a ton. I do not feel comfortable just driving to the store or church. Well he called me from work and needed me to drop him off at the airport. What??? Was he crazy? My first real drive is going to be without him making 3 freeway changes? I could have killed him. I wasn't prepared. I wasn't ready.
So I decided I would be the one to drive to the airport. This way I could get the feel of it with him in the car. It didn't go well. I thought I was going to kill us at one point. I ended up speaking like a sailor and crying like a baby while I was trying to drive. Dave wasn't much help since I think I shot his nerves too. Then I had to make the return trip by myself. I called my sisters (before I left the airport) and had them talk to me on speaker phone while I drove. They tried to keep me calm. I knew I had to stop crying because really it wasn't helping me be a better driver. So I took many deep breaths and tried to make some jokes. It didn't really work. By the time I was home my face and hands felt numb (I must have been hyperventilating). I made sure the kids were fine and then went in my room and had a good cry.
I know that phobia's aren't logical but they are real. I hate having a real fear that I know I need to over come. It isn't something I can avoid. It is pretty obvious that I have been avoiding it for years but now that we are completely on our own it isn't an option. So I hope to feel less and less stressed each time I drive. Right now it just feels like I am being shoved out of an airplane without a parachute.
5 comments:
I can relate. On one of our first dates, James took me to a shooting range. I was the same way - shaking, nervous numb - as I held the gun. I shot once and set the gun down. I refused to shoot anymore and was fighting tears (I tried to hold it together as much as I could since I was still trying to impress him at that point). I couldn't understand how shooting could possibly be fun for anyone.
And then there's driving. I guess it comes from growing up in a small town. I didn't get my license until I was 17, even though you can get one when you're 15 in Montana. I put it off as long as I could, but eventually my parents forced me into it. Driving in my small town wasn't so bad, but it was terrifying when I went to college. I avoided freeways at all costs...until I got married. James would occasionally have me pick him up from work in downtown Salt Lake. That meant I had to drive on the freeway and negotiate Salt Lake - I know it's not that big of a city, but it is to me :)
I've had to drive him to the airport on occasion, too and it terrifies me. When I get home, I'm also numb - I guess from the the rigid posture, tight grip on the wheel, and the not breathing. I've gotten better the more I do it, but I don't love driving. It's stressful.
I'm sorry you have to go through this :)
I'm sorry, but I had to laugh when you said you had to stop crying because it wasn't helping you drive...its probably hard to see the road through the tears. It sounded like something I would tell myself! I was nervous about driving when I started. Hated it. Then, without teling my parents about my fear (maybe they sensed it) they had me drive to and from a Dodger Game. HELLO!!! LA??? and have you tried getting out of the parking lot after the game? It's insanity! Cars are FLYING every which direction, and you have to drive that crazy or you'll never get out. Never been scared since. The only way to get over the fear is to DRIVE! Good luck.
I am so proud of you! I'm glad your sisters were around to talk you through the return trip. Waiting for Dave at the airport might have been an option, but not the best one. On the other hand, you wouldn't be late to pick him up. Speaking of which, do you have to drive alone to pick him up?
No, Dave is coming back with another employee and they are dropping him off. THANK HEAVENS!
I am so proud of you. You did it! The fact is it's over and you made it through. Each time you drive you will feel stronger. You can do this!!!
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